Continuing the thankful trend….
I’m super thankful that I’m a mom. I know that sounds typical but let me explain my particular reasoning for being thankful about being a mom.
I married my two oldest children’s dad when I was nineteen. I didn’t know what it meant to be a wife, let alone a mom at the time. I was young and naive. Honestly, getting married at that time I think even surprised me.
Looking back to what was so long ago now, I think I partially married out of fear. Something I never shared with anyone was that I had a fear of having to live life alone. I didn’t really date in high school. I didn’t have that high school sweetheart some people are lucky to have. I simply went through life doing what everyone expected of me.
I was traveling through life on the train of expectation when my first husband entered into the picture. We married just after a couple of months of dating. Five months later, I was pregnant with my daughter.
I couldn’t believe I, of all peope, was going to be a mom and I was going to be a mom to a beautiful baby girl. That really freaked me out! I was not a girly girl. I didn’t know how to do hair or makeup all that well then. I wasn’t the popular girl in school. I didn’t know if I had the tools to lead her the right way and be the mom she needed.
By the time my son was born, I didn’t have a chance to determine if I was handling mom life well. They are only seventeen months apart. Raising two so close together is….hard. To keep this shorter than novel length, I’ll cut to the chase and say there were a lot of moments of their childhoods I wish I could take back and redo. Hug them both tightly when life just really sucked. Fix all their problems that made them sad or broke their hearts. Even when it was me causing the heartbreak.
I asked for the divorce from their father once they were both in college. By then, I was living alone as they were in college and their dad worked overseas. This is when I started seeing how mentally unhealthy my life was. It took some time to build up the courage to go through with the divorce because I didn’t want to hurt my kids. I didn’t want to be the cause of any of their pain, but I had to take care of my own unhappiness.
The road to being a better me has been long and tedious to say the least, but I’m happy now and I think my kids see the difference in me. I want to believe I’ve shown them you can overcome the things that turn your life upside down. You can get out of the depressive hole you threw yourself in. You can be truly happy.
When I remarried, I gained a stepson who is quite a bit younger than my kids. While I didn’t want anymore children and I struggled with the idea of being a stepmom at first, I rather enjoy the role. I get to be the nuetral party in everything supporting him when maybe his parents don’t understand. I tell my husband that it’s because I’ve been there, done that with the raising of my two kids. I want to say my stepson and I have a pretty good relationship. I don’t make him call me mom and I try to not to embarras him too much in public.
It’s nice having my stepson around because, to be quite honest, I find myself missing my adult children quite a bit. I so super proud of the lives they have made for themselves. They both seem to have a significant other that loves and cares for them. They both excel in their professions. Most importantly, they’re just really good humans. But, sometimes, I wish they lived close enough to come over for dinner on a whim or just visit for an hour or two. Maybe that’s why I’m so obessed with Christmas Day being my day with all of them. My heart is truly full when my kids are around me. They fill me with a joy I can’t explain. I want to reach out and hug them and not let go.
Growing up, I never saw myself as a mom to anyone, but it’s one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.
